Most of us get it backwards. We walk into a room thinking we need to be witty, impressive, charming — the person everyone wants to talk to. But Harvard Business School research suggests the opposite is true: the fastest way to become likable is to stop trying to impress and start asking questions.
"Among the most common complaints people make after conversations — whether it's an interview, first date, or work meeting — is 'I wish they'd asked me more questions,'" says Dr. Alison Wood Brooks, a behavioral scientist at Harvard. "I can't believe they didn't ask me any questions at all."
It sounds almost too simple. But there's something deeply human about being asked genuine questions. When someone asks about you — not to fill silence, but because they actually want to know — it signals something rare: real interest.
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Start Your News DetoxThe Questions That Work
Wood Brooks, drawing on psychologist Arthur Aron's research on connection, adapted a set of questions designed to help people genuinely get to know each other. Unlike small talk about the weather, these questions invite people to share what matters to them. The formula is straightforward: ask one of these, listen to the answer, then ask a follow-up question based on what you heard.
What are you excited about lately? What's something you're good at but don't like doing? Is there something you'd like to learn more about? What can we celebrate about you? Has someone made you laugh recently? What happened?
These work because they're open-ended — they give people room to actually think. They also grant permission to be vulnerable, which research shows makes people more likable, not less. There's a psychological principle at play too: reciprocal liking. We tend to like people who like us. When someone asks a genuine follow-up question, they're signaling "I'm interested in what you just said." That matters.
"You could prep just one or two of these," Wood Brooks suggests. "Carry two of them in your back pocket as go-to topics. But the real skill is listening to what the person says and asking a follow-up question to deepen the conversation."
The research is clear: asking two or three questions in sequence, genuinely listening to the answers, is one of the quickest ways to become more likable. It's not about being the most interesting person in the room. It's about making someone else feel like they are.
